Sorry for the people who can't see the humor.
Jim
This is an actual letter from the Smithsonian
institute. The story behind it is as follows:
There's this weird guy who digs things out of his
backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the
Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual
archeological finds. The really weird thing about
these letters is that this guy really exists and
does this in his spare time!
Paleontology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the
Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to
the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have
given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we
disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather,
it appears that what you have found is the head of
a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff,
who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu
Barbie." It is evident that you have given a
great deal of thought to the analysis of this
specimen, and you may be quite certain that those
of us who are familiar with your prior work in the
field were loath to come to contradiction with
your findings. However, we do feel that there are
a number of physical attributes of the specimen
which might have tipped you off to its modern
origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient
hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is
more consistent with the common domesticated dog
than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during
that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
submitted in your history with this institution,
but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that
a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we
must deny your request to have the specimen carbon
dated. This is partially due to the heavy load
our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy
in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best
of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 A.D., and carbon dating is likely to
produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must
also deny your request that we approach the
National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department
with the concept of assigning your specimen the
scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought
tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species name you selected was hyphenated, and
didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation
of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While
it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the
great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for
the display of the specimens you have previously
submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next
in your digs at the site you have discovered in
your backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to
our nation's capital that you proposed in your
last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of
ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you
recently discovered take on the deceptive
appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
-- Jim Rollins Mailto:jrollins@sms-ct.com Dir. Scanning Services http://ftp.sms-ct.com Scientific Measurement Systems (SMS) http://www.sms-ct.com 2210 Denton Drive Suite 106 Austin, Texas 78758Tel# 512-837-4712 xt 519 Fax# 512-837-9082
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