Subject: Dilbert quotes
Author: Larry R Blasch at OPW
Date: 6/19/98 8:14 AM
<< A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They
were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real life
Dilbert-type managers.
Some of the submissions:
(This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun
Microsystems)
* As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
* What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
* How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
* E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business.
* Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are
doing a good job in training people.
* This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it.
* Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
* My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her
was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was write-protected.
* Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate
and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you
understand, that intelligence is not really required
for this job."
* Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
what 'I' say."
* How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral
was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died
so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
* "We know that communication is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with the employees."
* A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit
increases this year (even though management got theirs).
We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's
new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"
* We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above."
* One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if
tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
* I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to
investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance
and buying a used firetruck for the employees to man.
* Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications
I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's
training programs and in the body of the memo one of the
sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one
of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to
the executive committee, I was called into the HR
director's office, and told that the executive vice-president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why,
I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working
in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo,
with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable,
and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a
copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to
worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to
the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which
could not be found in Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance
with company policy, I created my resignation memo by
pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
* Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager.
She recently had received control over another business
line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur.
In the very first meeting with her she told the group
"Stick with me!" I am building an empire at this company,
and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings
and Queens!"
* I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph
of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications
company:
"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant
attention on current procedures of transacting business
focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not
supersede, the expectations of quality!"
Sincerely,
Larry Blasch
System Administrator for Engineering Services
OPW Fueling Components
P.O. Box 405003 Voice: (513) 870-3356
Cincinnati, OH 45240-5003 USA Fax: (513) 870-3338
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Disclaimer...The views expressed are personal opinion and not those of
OPW Fueling Components.
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