Off-topic, Friday funnies a few days early...

From: Monica & Glenn Whiteside (
Date: Wed Feb 17 1999 - 08:11:47 EET

Some more funnies a few days early to cheer people up in the middle of the

On the last day of kindergarten,
all the children brought presents
for their teacher. The florist's son
handed the teacher a gift. She shook it,
held it up and said, "I bet I know what
it is - it's some flowers!" "That's
right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's
daughter handed the teacher a gift She
held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I
know what it is - it's a box of
candy!" "That's right!" shouted the
little girl. The next gift was from the
liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held it up and saw that it was
leaking. She touched a drop with her finger
and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she
asked. "No," the boy answered. The
teacher touches another drop to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No,"
the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said,
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"

A lawyer opened the door of his
BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off

When the police arrived at the
scene, the lawyer was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his precious

"Officer, look what they've done
to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"
retorted the officer. "You're so worried
about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even notice that your left arm was
ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the
lawyer, finally noticing the bloody
left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"

Young man Murphy applied for an
engineering position at an Irish
firm based in Dublin. An American applied
for the same job and both applicants
having the same qualifications were
asked to take a test by the Department

Upon completion of the test both
men only missed one of the questions. The
manager went to Murphy and said,

Manager: "Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the
American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be
doing that? We both got 9 questions
correct. This being Ireland and
me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our
decision not on the correct answers, but
on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would
one incorrect answer be better than
the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American
put down on question # 5, "I don't
know", You put down, "Neither do I"


Things that make you go Hmmm...

1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?

9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?

10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?

12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?

13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they
already know you don't have?

16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19. What year did Jesus think it was?

20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

23. What happened to Preparation A through Preparation G?

24. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?

25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

27. How come there aren't B batteries?

28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man
on a bike to deliver?

29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

31. Is a metaphor like a simile?

32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

34. How is it possible to have a "civil" war?

35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

44. How can there be "self-help" groups?

47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried
some of the others?

46. How do you throw away a garbage can?

47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?

50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the
outside of his trousers?

52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?

53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into
telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is

58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks
when the gun is thrown at him?

59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

61. How do you remove a club soda stain?

62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

64. What happened to the first 6

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