> In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are
> the latest mergers we can expect to see:
>
> Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace
> Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
>
> Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become
> Polly-Warner-Cracker.
>
> 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
>
> John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
>
> Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
> become Zip Audi Do Da.
>
> Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
>
> To get this merger passed the Justice Department, Honeywell would have
> to spin off its semiconductor business, which in turn would be absorbed
by
> Fairchild semiconductor-- yielding Fairwell Honeychild.
>
> Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All
> Mine.
>
> Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to
> become Knott NOW.
>***************************************************************************
***
>********
>Bumper Sticker Philosophy:
>
>Black holes are where God divided by zero.
>
>All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
>
>Early bird gets the worm,
> but the second mouse gets the cheese.
>
>I almost had a psychic girlfriend
> but she left me before we met.
>
>OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>
>How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
>
>If everything seems to be going well,
> you have obviously overlooked something.
>
>Support bacteria
> - they're the only culture some people have.
>
>Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
>When everything's coming your way,
> you're in the wrong lane.
>
>Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
> sense to be lazy.
>
>Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>
>Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
>
>Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
>
>Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
>
>I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
>
>Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
>
>If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
>Eagles may soar,
> but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
>If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
>
>24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
>
>Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
>
>When I'm not in my right mind,
> my left mind gets pretty crowded.
>
>Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
>
>What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
>
>I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
>
>I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
>
>Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>
>If at first you don't succeed,
> destroy all evidence that you tried.
>
>A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
>
>Experience is something you don't get
> until just after you need it.
>
>For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
>
>No one is listening until you make a mistake.
>
>Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
>
>The colder the X-ray table,
> the more of your body is required on it.
>
>The hardness of the butter is proportional
> to the softness of the bread.
>
>The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
>
>Two wrongs are only the beginning.
>
>The problem with the gene pool
> is that there is no lifeguard.
>
>Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
>
>The sooner you fall behind,
> the more time you'll have to catch up.
>
>A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>
>If you must choose between two evils,
> pick the one you've never tried before.
>
>A fool and his money are soon partying.
>
>Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
>
>If you think nobody cares about you,
> try missing a couple of payments.
>
>Drugs may lead to nowhere,
> but at least it's the scenic route.
>
>I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
>
>Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
>
>Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
>
>Half the people you know are below average.
>
>99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
>42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
>A conscience is what hurts when all your
> other parts feel so good.
>
>Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
>
>The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
>from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one
>letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
>
>Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
> obtaining sex.
>
>Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high...
>
>Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
>
>Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
> who doesn't get it.
>
>Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>
>Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
>
>Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
>
>Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
>
>Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
> bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious
> bummer.
>
>Glibido: All talk and no action.
>
>Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
> come at you rapidly.
>
>Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
> until you realize it was your money to start with.
>***************************************************************************
***
>***********
>Go here: <A
HREF="http://www.hampsterdance.com/">http://www.hampsterdance.com/
></A>
>
>TRUE STORY: Carjacking Foiled
>
> An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four
>males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew
>her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her
>voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required:
>so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a
>second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon
>the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back
>of the car and get into the drivers seat.
>
> Small problem , her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
>identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She
>loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
>The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
>two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
>where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking
>by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.
>**************************************************************************
>A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
>attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an
>adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did
>prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in
>there."
>
>"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
>***************************************************************************
***
>**
>A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices
>a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, "MARYTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
>OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES." He thinks it was just a figment of his
>imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
>another sign which says, "MARYTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>5 MILES," and realizes that these signs are for real.
>
>When he drives past a third sign saying, "MARYTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
>PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his curiosity gets the best of him and he
>pulls over.
>
>On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with
>a small sign next to the door reading MARYTERS OF MERCY. He climbs
>the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
>long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
>He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
>in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
>He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
>The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
>this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
>nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs
>"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door
>at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and
>places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall
>and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door
>locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
>facing another small sign:
>
>GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE MARYTERS OF MERCY.
>***************************************************************************
***
>**********
>Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire
>State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
>"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of
>this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
>around the building are so intense that they carry you around the
>building and back into the window."
>
>The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
>bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in
>hell that could happen."
>
>"No it's true." said the first man," Let me prove it to you." He gets
>up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets towards the
>street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
>around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes
>the elevator back up to the bar.
>
>He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I
>saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
>fluke."
>
>"No, I'll prove it again." says the first man as he jumps. Again just
>as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently
>carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he
>urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well what the hell," the second
>guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony, plunges
>downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the
>sidewalk with a 'splat.'
>
>Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You
>know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
>***************************************************************************
***
>*****
>Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a
>stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman".
> "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
>"When it was over," Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and
>knees."
> "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
>"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
>***************************************************************************
***
>*****
>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
>drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He
>thinks
>to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
>turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
>two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white
>as ghosts.
>
>The driver,obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
>understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
>the problem?"
>
>"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
>know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
>to other drivers."
>
>"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
>exactly...Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
>proudly.
>
>The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to
>her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
>
>A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
>pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to
>ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken
>and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the
>officer asks.
>
>"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer.
>We just got off Route 119."
>
>
>
>
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.2 : Tue Jun 05 2001 - 22:51:16 EEST