RE: Firday humor, New company policies

From: SiderWhite (SiderWhite@worldnet.att.net)
Date: Fri May 19 2000 - 04:33:29 EEST


> NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND
> RELATED LEAVE
> >
> > We will no longer accept a doctor's
> statement as proof of sickness. If
> > you are able to go to the doctor, you
> are able to come to work.
> >
> > SURGERY:
> > Operations are now banned. As long as
> you are an employee here, you need
> > all your organs. You should not
> consider removing anything. We hired
> you
> > intact. To have something removed
> constitutes a breach of employment.
> >
> > BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
> > This is no excuse for missing work.
> There is nothing you can do for dead
> > friends, relatives or coworkers.
> Every effort should be made to have
> > non-employees attend to the
> arrangements. In rare cases, where
> employee
> > involvement is necessary, the funeral
> should be scheduled in the late
> > afternoon, on Saturday or better yet
> Sunday. We will be glad to allow you
> > to work through your lunch hour and
> subsequently leave one hour early,
> > provided your share of the work is
> enough to keep the job going in your
> > absence.
> >
> > YOUR OWN DEATH:
> > This will be accepted as an excuse.
> However, we require at least two
> > weeks notice as it is your duty to
> train your replacement.
> >
> > REST ROOM USE:
> > Entirely too much time is being spent
> in the rest room. In the future, we
> > will follow the practice of going in
> alphabetical order. For instance,
> > those whose names begin with 'A' will
> go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who
> > names being with 'B' will go from 8:10
> to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable
> > to go at your time, it will be
> necessary to wait until the next day
> when
> > your time comes again. In extreme
> emergencies, employees may swap their
> > time with a coworker. Both employees'
> supervisors in writing must approve
> > this exchange. In addition, there is
> now a strict 3-minute time limit in
> > the stalls. At the end of three
> minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the
> > toilet paper roll will retract, and
> the stall door open.
> >
> > PAYCHECK GUIDE:
> > The following helpful guide has been
> prepared to help our employees better
> > understand their paychecks:
> >
> >
> Item Amount
> > Gross pay
> $1,222.02
> > Income tax $244.40
>
> > Outgo tax $45.21
> > State tax $11.61
> > Interstate tax
> $61.10
> > County tax $6.11
> > City tax $12.22
> > Rural tax $4.44
> > Back tax $1.11
> > Front tax $1.16
> > Side tax $1.61
> > Up tax $2.22
> > Down tax $1.11
> > Tic-Tacs $1.98
> > Thumbtacks $3.93
> > Carpet tacks $0.98
> > Stadium tax $0.69
> > Flat tax $8.32
> > Surtax $3.46
> > Corporate tax $2.60
> > Parking fee $5.00
> > F.I.C.A. $81.88
> > T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
> > Life insurance $5.85
> > Health insurance $16.23
> > Dental insurance $4.50
> > Mental insurance $4.33
> > Reassurance $0.11
> > Disability $2.50
> > Ability $0.25
> > Liability $3.41
> > Unreliability
> $10.99
> > Coffee $6.85
> > Coffee Cups $66.51
> > Floor rental $16.85
> > Chair rental $0.32
> > Desk rental $4.32
> > Union dues $5.85
> > Union donts $3.77
> > Cash advance $0.69
> > Cash retreats $121.35
>
> > Overtime $1.26
> > Undertime $54.83
> > Eastern time $9.00
> > Central time $8.00
> > Mountain time $7.00
> > Pacific time $6.00
> > Time Out $12.21
> > Oxygen $10.02
> > Water $16.54
> > Heat $51.42
> > Cool air $26.83
> > Hot air $20.00
> > Miscellaneous $113.29
>
> > Sundry $12.09
> > Various $8.01
> > Net Take Home Pay $0.02
> >
> > Thank you for your loyalty to our
> company. We are here to provide a
> > positive employment experience.
> > All questions, comments, concerns,
> complaints, frustrations, irritations,
> > aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations,
> contemplation's,
> > consternation's, or input should be
> directed elsewhere.
> >

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