Light relief

From: Yakov Horenstein (
Date: Wed Dec 17 1997 - 08:38:03 EET

> "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
> say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
> is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
> --Ellen DeGeneres
> "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
> Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
> --Robin Williams
> "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
> boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
> --Christopher Case
> "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
> treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
> they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
> pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger

> "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
> 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
> psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
> to kill you too."
> --Jake Johansen
> "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
> --Dick Cavett
> "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
> --Garry Shandling
> "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
> --Rita Rudner
> "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
> camera and come help me."
> --Bobcat Goldthwait
> "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
> least they can find Kuwait."
> --A. Whitney Brown
> "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
> --Michael McShane
> "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
> lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
> said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
> --Paula Poundstone
> "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
> in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
> tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
> "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
> Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to
> be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
> --Jack Mayberry
> "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
> every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
> picking the locks, they are always locking three."
> --Elayne Boosler
> "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on
> myself."
> --Judy Tenuta
> "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
> --John Mendoza
> "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
> --Steven Wright
> "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
> skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
> Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
> "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
> pumpkin."
> --Winston Spear
> "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
> C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
> bought a congressman."
> --Bruce Baum
> "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
> That's why you should never date a baseball player."
> --Marsha Warfield
> "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
> language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
> may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
> animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
> --Jeff Stilson
> "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
> suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
> friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
> --Rita Mae Brown
> "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
> One day, he took me aside and left me there."
> --Ron Richards
> "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
> something else."
> --Lily Tomlin
> "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
> the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
> --Rita Rudner
> "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
> years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
> --Drew Carey
> "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
> --Bill Maher
> "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
> violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
> over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
> rid of the body before you do the wash."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
> "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
> four people make up 75 percent of the population."
> --David Letterman
> "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
> dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
> --Bob Saget
> "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is
> still far away."
> --Billiam Coronell
> "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
> 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
> not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
> --Larry Miller
> "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
> specific."
> --Lily Tomlin
> "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
> war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
> Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
> Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
> me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
> clippers right here.' "
> --Jerry Seinfeld
> "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
> through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
> learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
> "I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
> feed it."
> --Steven Wright
> "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
> would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
> "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
> --John Mendoza
> "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
> above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
> --Bruce Baum
> "If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
> --Steven Wright
> "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
> "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
> standing up really fast."
> --Johnathan Katz
> "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
> God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
> --Lily Tomlin
> "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
> accept God's final word on where your lips end."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
> "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
> said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
> cold enough. Let's go west.' "
> --Richard Jeni
> "I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid
> down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
> --Steven Wright
> "And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said,
> 'Shit! A truck!' "
> --Emo Phillips

Yakov Horenstein
Milano, Italy

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