Re: [Fwd] News Release

From: Ron Clemons (
Date: Fri Mar 13 1998 - 10:57:12 EET

Why don't you see if you can rile a few people up, Yakov. Is this a
fishing expedition or just a bad joke? I actually enjoy a good joke,
even in the rpml. But, I think that some jokes about religion,
politcs and race are better left out of this forum.

> Date: Thu, 12 Mar 1998 23:24:46 +0100
> From: Yakov Horenstein <>
> To:
> Subject: [Fwd] News Release

> A Scandal of Biblical Proportions - Turmoil in Heaven
> (RP Newswire; 03/12/98)
> 21 Year Old Woman Makes Outrageous Claims
> JERUSALEM, March 12 /RPNewswire/ -- Turmoil rocked Heaven this
> morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former
> worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only
> as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
> week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim
> that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly
> talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to
> have had his child."
> In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
> saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of
> this story will come out in time, verily".
> Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with
> the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions
> of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
> illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
> three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has
> issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
> go-betweens in the affair.
> Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
> the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate,
> that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up
> evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's
> investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding
> the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in
> the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
> cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
> scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
> Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was a quid pro quo
> for political contributions.
> If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
> to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
> moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
> recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
> "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
> Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
> provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
> ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
> unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
> ----------------------
> Yakov Horenstein
> Milano, Italy
Ron Clemons
Director of Marketing
Harvest Technologies
Ph (254) 742-1822

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