Humor Warning - Delete if you like

From: Denest, Michael J (
Date: Fri Jun 05 1998 - 18:46:07 EEST

Subject: Mars & Venus

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English
professor at Southern Methodist University English 44A
SMU, Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for
Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called
the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read
what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."

Quoting Prof. Miller, "The following was actually turned in by two of my
students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said,
in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she
must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said
into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the
peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in
her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all t he beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.


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