Re: Humor Warning - Delete if you like

From: Professor P M Dickens (
Date: Mon Jun 08 1998 - 10:19:35 EEST

Thanks for that, I have not laughed so much on a Monday morning before.
It was especially welcome after watching England play South Africa on
"Ealham departed almost immediately, caught in the deep by Pollock off
Klusener's bowling"
I have printed a copy of your email for my wife who has just read the
book and suggests I also read it! Might pass it onto our English
department as well!

Professor Phill Dickens
De Montfort University

Denest, Michael J wrote:
> Subject: Mars & Venus
> Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
> Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English
> professor at Southern Methodist University English 44A
> SMU, Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for
> Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called
> the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
> pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
> One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
> The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
> paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
> paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read
> what has been written each time in order to keep the story
> coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
> been reached."
> Quoting Prof. Miller, "The following was actually turned in by two of my
> English
> students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name
> deleted."
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
> The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
> at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said,
> in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she
> must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
> possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
> too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
> was out of the question.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
> squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
> to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
> bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
> night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said
> into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
> No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
> bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
> through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
> him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
> before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
> the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon
> afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the
> peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
> Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in
> her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
> excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
> dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed
> unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
> television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
> all t he beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
> innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
> thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
> launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
> wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
> Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a
> defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
> determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
> the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
> for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
> planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
> diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
> atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
> mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
> coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
> vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
> President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
> allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the
> sky!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
> My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
> adolescent.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
> attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Asshole.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Bitch.
> Mike
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