Dilbert quotes (Off Topic Humor)

From: lblasch@opw-fc.com
Date: Fri Jun 19 1998 - 08:49:03 EEST

Subject: Dilbert quotes
Author: Larry R Blasch at OPW
Date: 6/19/98 8:14 AM

<< A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They
 were looking
 for people to submit quotes from their real life
 Dilbert-type managers.
 Some of the submissions:
 (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun
  * As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
  using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
  next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
 * What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
 * How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
 * E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
 It should be used only for company business.
 * Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are
   doing a good job in training people.
 * This project is so important, we can't let things that are
   more important interfere with it.
 * Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
   No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
   We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
   a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
 * My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
   that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her
   was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
   The disk I gave her was write-protected.
 * Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate
   and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you
   understand, that intelligence is not really required
   for this job."
 * Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
   what 'I' say."
 * How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral
   was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died
   so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
   the year. He then asked if we could change her
   burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
 * "We know that communication is a problem, but the company
   is not going to discuss it with the employees."
 * A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit
   increases this year (even though management got theirs).
   We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's
   new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"
 * We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
   "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
   regarding the subject mentioned above."
 * One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
   concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if
   tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
   tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
 * I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to
   investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance
   and buying a used firetruck for the employees to man.
 * Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications
   I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's
   training programs and in the body of the memo one of the
   sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one
   of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to
   the executive committee, I was called into the HR
   director's office, and told that the executive vice-president
   wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why,
   I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working
   in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo,
   with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical"
   circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable,
   and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a
   copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to
   worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to
   the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which
   could not be found in Sunday newspaper could be used in
   company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance
   with company policy, I created my resignation memo by
   pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
 * Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager.
   She recently had received control over another business
   line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur.
   In the very first meeting with her she told the group
   "Stick with me!" I am building an empire at this company,
   and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings
   and Queens!"
 * I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph
   of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications
   "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant
   attention on current procedures of transacting business
   focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not
   supersede, the expectations of quality!"
     Larry Blasch
     System Administrator for Engineering Services
     OPW Fueling Components
     P.O. Box 405003 Voice: (513) 870-3356
     Cincinnati, OH 45240-5003 USA Fax: (513) 870-3338
     Disclaimer...The views expressed are personal opinion and not those of
     OPW Fueling Components.

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