Pre-Friday Humor

Date: Wed Jun 09 1999 - 21:26:59 EEST

  I know its not Friday but I just couldn't wait. Enjoy.

> Subject: Flight Attendants Announcements
> Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in flight
> safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> Here
> are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
> of
> this airplane."
> And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
> you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
> ride."
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
> lone
> voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
> flight
> attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening
> the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
> everything has shifted."
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
> to
> YYY.To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,and
> pull
> tight. It works like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
> operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
> Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
> altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
> autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
> rest of the flight.""
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
> children or adults who are acting like children."
> "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> "Last one off the plane must clean it." Don't leave children or spouses.
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
> some
> of the best flight attendants in the industry...unfortunately none of them
> are on this flight....!"
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said "That was quite a
> bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
> the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendants' was the asphalt!"
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
> the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
> smile,and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ Airline." He said that in
> lightof his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
> eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone
> had
> gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, said the pilot,
> "what
> is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
> Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
> wreckage to the terminal.
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:, "We'd like to thank
> you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
> urge
> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Stephen Budelsky, IDSA
Product Designer

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