A Scandal of Biblical Proportions - Turmoil in Heaven
(RP Newswire; 03/12/98)
21 Year Old Woman Makes Outrageous Claims
JERUSALEM, March 12 /RPNewswire/ -- Turmoil rocked Heaven this
morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former
worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only
as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim
that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly
talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to
have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of
this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with
the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate,
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up
evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's
investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding
the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in
the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was a quid pro quo
for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
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Yakov Horenstein
Milano, Italy
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